Selika was my first real love. We dated in high school…I was a junior and she was a freshman. Her aunt and uncle lived a few doors down and when she would come over to visit we would always make sure to spend some time together. Eventually the little girl who used to walk with me to buy cigarettes for Mrs. Coleman (the elder of the block) would grow up to become a beautiful diamond…didn’t take long for us to become more than friends. She had an older sister (she was bangin’…good lawd) who had a habit of loving the wrong cats and would espouse some of her wisdom onto her younger sister as it pertains to dating. What she learned was to not “trust these bitches ‘round here” and that “checkin’ up” on me was a part of her duties as my girlfriend.
She went so far as to have one of her friends approach me at a basketball game. The friend inquired about my relationship status and proceeded to give me her number even though I told her I was “dealing” with someone at the moment. Stunts like this were quit frequent in our 3 year relationship and I have lived through different variations throughout my romantic career including in my marriage.
Most people have experienced that jealous boyfriend or insecure girlfriend so we are familiar with navigating through relationships where the “trust factor” is consistently and constantly challenged. It always amazes me when folk list “trust” as one of the key factors in the survival of a relationship and intimacy and/or passion is usually way down the list. I can live with the questions from my significant other concerning my whereabouts or whose number is this in my phone because I’ve been able to adapt due to the fact that EVERY relationship I’ve ever been in asked those same questions…..the script has not changed. I recently had a monthly DJing gig at a spot in downtown Chicago. The night before each session my wife would run down her list of questions:
T: So who’s going to be there?
Me: The usual cats
T: What time are spinning?
Me: Probably 8 to 10?
T: Why so late?
Me: There’s a cat that’s on before me?
T: So who’s going to be there? (yes, she is asking this again)
Me: The usual cats (Same response)
Me: Okay, I’m out. Call you when I get there. Love You! (Gives her a quick kiss, grab keys and my “personal libation container”, exits stage left)
I’ve lived through this barrage of questioning so much so that I am numb to it. She’s asking and I’m answering while packing my equipment. See, I understand that the majority of her insecurity is internal and doesn’t really have anything to do with me (per se). It’s a culmination of baggage and hard wiring that started way before me but I will never cease trying to sprinkle her with comfort of every measure at every opportunity…..but these insecurities will not handcuff my dreams. Period.