From the mailbag…

Good morning Stephen (MadPoetic),
 
One of my girls hipped me to your blog a year ago and I have been a fan ever since.  I love your straight to the chase, no bs approach which is why I have written you this letter.  A sista need a little advice…see, I think my husband maybe stepping out because lately I’ve noticed a change in his demeanor towards me.  I, mean, he just seems like he’s not that into me anymore sexually.  Let me give you a little background.  We’ve been married for 8 years and we have 2 beautiful children.  My husband is very, very affectionate…he would always hug and kiss me at anytime and anywhere.  He made me feel like a princess and I loved the attention.  Since my youngest child was born 5 years ago I have felt very funny about having sex in the house.  My husband has complained several times about this and I do understand but it is still a struggle.  I compromised and decided to institute a date night about once a month were we would go out and get a nice room downtown and share a romantic evening.  Since are last date night in June (yes it’s been over six months) he has been very unaffectionate and spends most of his time planning various activities with our children (he has always been an excellent father) and hanging out at a friend’s house watching the football games.  He doesn’t hug or kiss my nearly as much as he used to which has made me suspicious.  So man to women, do you think he’s cheating?  Should I be worried?  Help me out.
 
Worried.
 
 
Dear Worried,
 
There is no way I can say for certain that the brotha is stepping out…but I can affirmatively say that you needs to be worried.  I can only concluded from what you have told me that every other aspect of your marriage is fine and that intimacy is primarily the only issue.  If this is so than I have some questions/statements for you…
1. What is your hang up with sharing and intimate moment with your husband in the same home you share with your children?  Do y’all live in a 1 room house?  Do your children ever go to sleep or do they stay up drinkin’ coffee and takin’ No Dose?  If you got a bathroom, living room, kitchen, family room…hell, garage then there is no excuse.  And I assure you that this is the conclusion your husband has already mulled over several million times.  See, folk do what they want to do…period.  We put time and effort into the things that bring us joy and we go out of are way to make it happen.  If my boy Dave called me and said he got 100 level section Bulls tickets for tonight I would make it happen no matter what.  I would walk my ass down Madison Avenue in a pair of Stacy Adams in the snow to the United Center after work.  That’s just how much I love basketball.  Now If you’re anything like my wife, I’m sure your husband has seen you politicin’ on a pair of Seven jeans or a North Face Metropolis coat or a pair a True Religion jeans or some expensive ass purse.  He’s seen you call every Macy’s, Nordstrom, Lord & Taylor, Bloomingdales in a 60 mile radius of the city, had the sales lady put the shit on hold and then watch you hop your happy ass in the whip and drive  to WhereTheHellAreWe, IL to make the purchase.  He’s seen the dedication you display when you WANT something.  He’s wondering why you refuse to show that same zealousness when it comes to intimacy.   
2. Focusing on whether he’s cheating or not is irrelevant, the main concern is that he’s not touching YOU and you already know why.  You have managed to loose the affection of an affectionate man and that shit is huge.  See, I can relate to him because affection is built into my DNA.  It is something that can’t be bought, learned, traded for…it’s just is.  You have managed to snag a person who thinks you are sexy and beautiful just because and takes every opportunity to remind you of it.  You should be spending time cultivating it instead of rebuking it.  Affectionate folk show affection because they have to….it’s an unconscious natural act.  I would get up in the morning and see my wife making coffee with her head wrap and would grabbed her and kiss her because I want her to know how she affects me.  She would always give me that “what the fuck is wrong with you” look.   Half the time she don’t appreciate it but it really ain’t about her….it’s about my joy and my need to show her that there is no one else I would be rather be with.  Most folk do shit because they want reciprocity but affectionate folk are only concerned about giving joy to others that’s why the whole “if he ain’t touching me than he most be touching someone else” logic has no place here.  You have continued to drink from the well without having a plan or desire to replenish it.
3. What’s up with this date night “about every month”?  Translation: about every other month so basically y’all doing the nasty about (6) times out of 365 days in a year??!?!?!?  That is madness!  I’m all for the date night but in order for me to see any parts of the ass I got to wait for a month and then I got to drop $250 or so on a room at the Hotel Sax or the Amalfi???….that shit sounds depressing as hell.  See, shit like that should entice and enhance what you have already established sexually.  It’s like being relegated to playing pick up basketball games in a shitty gym on the West Side and then having the chance to ball at the United Center….It means more because all the practice has paid off and here’s a chance to share your skills on the big stage.  The thing is if I can’t get a little loving in the confines of my own home then I’m not going to be all gung-ho to go all out especially when I know it won’t carry over into our ordinary lives. 
4. Dude ain’t cheating on you he just gave up hope.  He’s focusing on other factions of his life in order to keep sane.  Hey, if he’s already worn out the grooves of that porno movie or he’s tired of pulling the sticky pages apart of that old ass Black Tail magazine tell him I got a couple of websites for him…just holla at me.    Side note:  I hate when dudes get all testy if there lady has some “toys” in her possession or some ladies get all shitty because dude visits a couple of “nekkid tail” websites.  I say grow up…especially if you know you ain’t been handling the business.  I feel when you make the decision to remove yourself from any important aspect of the relationship then you ain’t got shit to say about how your mate deals with it.
5. I’m proud of you because you didn’t let ego or pride get in the way and decided to reach out for advice.  Most folk in your situation wouldn’t have the intestinal fortitude to do just that. They would rather adopt a “it must be you, not me” attitude then to accept responsibility for the sinking ship.  The ball is in your court…..you know your man better then anyone else and you already know the issue.  If you want your man to look at you with eyes of affection once again than you need to give him something to look at.    You need to restore his faith and not punish him for wanting to intimately show you freely how much he loves you.  Nobody wants to do the “snake dance” every damn day but every other month….c’mon now… you couldn’t possibly thought that was a good idea. 
MadP