Get in where you fit in…
Me and my boy E have been running the streets of the Chi since high school. We met our freshmen year during an impromptu cipher on the nuisances of House Music. I was engaged in a heated discussion over who was the best DJ on the House scene at that time. Folks were throwing around names like Andre Hatchet, Pharris “Funkin” Thomas, cats from the Hot Mix 5, Farley, Boo Williams, Armando, Terry Hunter & Frankie Knuckles. My two absolute favorite was the incomparable late great Ron Hardy & Lil Louis. When I threw those names in the cipher I shut it down. It was like smacking the big joker on the folding table in Big Mama’s basement on New Years Eve during a heated game of spades. E emphatically had my back in regards to my Lil Louis choice and the rest is history. For the majority of his adolescent years it had just been him and his mother. Although he had a relationship with his Dad it didn’t become significant until adulthood. During our senior year E and his Mom moved from 73rd & King Drive to 81st & Campbell. That was only one of the major changes made during that year.
During this time E’s Mom developed a relationship with a gentlemen caller. Pretty soon the relationship grew serious and she ended up letting dude move in to the home. Before the new guest eased his way into permanent residency we used to parlay up in the joint whenever I would visit but after that E’s ass would be waiting on the steps for me to pull up so he could get as far away as he could. I recall one visit clearly…it was a Friday and we were headed to, of course, a Lil Louis party at Leo High School. I came in and headed for the living room. E was coming up from the basement when suddenly dude came downstairs with a paper in his hand like he just took a relaxing dump. He saw E and said “you better get that garbage out if you plan on going somewhere tonight”….bad move. E was livid….he said “I don’t need you to instruct me to do sh*t around here…I got this mufucka”. Before he could expound on those remarks I ushered E’s ass out the door. Once in the whip E confided in me and said that dude been walking around his Momma’s house with his chest poked out like he run sh*t. You see E had been the man of the house way before this greasy ass cat was even thought off. This dude made the mistake so many cats make when they make the decision to cozy up to a woman with children.
The first thing dudes do is try to exert their control in the household….the problem with that is you ain’t got no control dude! The household had been running smoothly without you and if you ain’t got no chips to put on for the utilities, food, entertainment, tuition, gas, cable bill, etc…you can kick rocks with the quickness. You can’t walk up in the piece like Big Dick Willy, lay your suite cases disguised as garbage bags down and think folk just gon crown you King and slide you the big piece of chicken. Sh*t ain’t happening especially if there are sons in the picture. What you fail to realize is that after daddy left it became the sons job to protect their mother, it was the sons job to make sure the house wasn’t falling down and that the dishes were washed and the trash taken out before moms got home from work. So you need to act accordingly…sliding up in the spot the wrong way can and will get you f*cked up twice with the quickness. You need to earn their respect because they were here first and did not ask to be here. Slamming doors and barking orders will only get you a pumpkin’ head not respect.
Part of the problem is the choices made by the mothers. They want a father figure/role model but they really don’t have a clue of what that entails. Here’s a test….if dude has children be inquisitive and study how he treats them. If he treats his on chirrun like doo-doo guess what’s in store for you and yours….Sons would die for their mothers because they have seen them struggling, seen the tears when the lights got cut off or the eviction notice came in the mail, felt the helplessness because they were to young to get a job but old enough to understand the tragedy. So to all prospective gentleman callers you got a few choices…either respect the situation and dedicate yourself to earning your spot or catch a Nike in the ass or a skillet across the forehead…your choice. Whew, I sound kind of bitter don’t I??? Nah, just speaking from experience. Peace & Love
Might I add Madpoetic, that if the brotha gotta move-in with the sista who got her own, he need not be there. I agree that single mothers want role models, I disagree that they have to live in the household. Certainly not the one that the mother has already found a way to support. The real role model is the brother who is real enough to say, let us get married and you move in to the house that we will purchase together or the house that I have. If the brotha is coming to the table to earn a spot then earn it, “there are no free lunches” no moving into single mother and child spot because then that means that you don’t have at least what the mother has and there is no place for that if you’re asking for respect from anyone, including the mother.
I second that Tara! I never understood how a man could feel like a man and move into a woman’s house.
I couldn’t agree with you more Tara. I just have a disdain for dudes who just want to lay up in somebody else’s joint eating up all the hog maws and chitterlings. I was always leary of that…I’m like where is your spot? Where the f*ck where you laying your head down at night before you ran the Billy Dee script on my momma to get up in the joint? But let’s not forget these dudes are not squatters somebody had to give them a key so we can’t place victim tags on the mother’s yet. The real brother is the one that will come out and say from the jump that “I just want the cakes” and ain’t trying to play the role of bootleg daddy. I can respect that. But T, why do you think so many women fall for that?
I think they fall for it because they are desperate to share an overwhelming responsibility called being a parent. Until you really feel the sting of doing this sh*t on your own, you can only imagine how years of this can wear you down. As a single mother, I know the sting of this and I also know that rather than invite the inevitable trouble of a brotha who can not hold it down on his own. I will turn to my blessings called family members (uncles, cousins) who will rescue me when I need a male role model, tutor, sitter or just somebody to do all the sh*t I get tired of doing alone. Sometimes things pile up on us and we become so overwhelmed. Most times what I need is to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel to carry on just a little longer. Not a man who will add to the overwhelming burdens. WISDOM, stops me from falling for it being able to separate business (daily living) from pleasure (sex) helps. Yeah sex is good(sometimes really good) but if I have to pay for it by sacrificing my children, I’ll buy a device that runs by batteries. Its much easier to replace batteries.
Well, when you get that device just make sure you don’t set your pubic hairs on fire….LOL
MP I think some women that allow men to move in with them believes that it will help them get down the aisle sooner. In addition, women want help paying the bills, the sense of security in their relationship and home. I understand that desire for security in your home that a MAN brings but it’s just hard for me to call a male a MAN when he moves in with a woman. I have to ask the same question as you, where were you laying your head before you met me? I doubt you sold your house to move in with me unless we’re engaged to be married…other than that you wanted to get out your apartment or move out from living with your boys into a house that was a little bit more comfortable. In my opinion, women set themselves up for dissappointment when they allow a man to move in an “already set-up household”. I believe a woman robs a man from his manhood of being a responsible, self sufficient person. Although he may be helping to pay your bills but the reality is you will never know if he can hold it down on his own because you’re always there to make sure the bills get paid! And why? You have to because ultimately it’s your house! He’s not obligated and can walk away at anytime.
Tmichelle, I am happy to hear there is another woman out there that feels me. I wish we had more women who could recognize the end of the story in the beginning. I’m telling you the wisdom I have gained from making the wrong damn decisions…..”wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.”
So how about my x-husband, moves in with a woman who is basically taking care of him. Problem is that I have children by this man who sets such a poor example of what it means to be a man this scares the s*it out of me. Can’t stop visitation because children need that, but damn do I need a role model to model the behavior of a man handling his business. One of the reasons he is the X-husband, is because (among other things) I recognized the horrible example that my children would model. Daddy, let momma handle the business of the household…all the f*cking time, momma saying that it’s okay to live like that. HELL NO! Thus, you raise a daughter who grows up thinking it’s ok to take care of a grown-ass man, and you have boys who grow up thinking it’s okay to freeload. Restated, HELL-TO-THE-NAW as a mother I feel for the girlfriends’ children because they are witnessing the exact phenomena that I attempted to shield from my children. A vicious cycle that spins perpetually. As Mobb Deep says, “you shook….ain’t no such thing as a part time crook”. Don’t get shook, being a man is not about convenience it’s who you are no matter what the circumstances, you must play your role. This doesn’t mean I’m heartless or cold or can’t understand when a brotha is down on his luck, but if I can hold down a house & 3 kids by myself, certainly you can find a way to make it happen for just you.
The sad thing is that there are a bevy of women with open arms waiting to included someone of his caliber, or lack thereof, into the folds of their own family.