Dear MadP – A girlfriend of mine sent me the link to your sight and as a result I’ve been an avid reader. I haven’t commented much but I have a situation that you may be equipped to help me with. I’ve been in a relationship for the past three years and I am ready to take it to the next level. The problem is my boyfriend is dragging his feet so I gave him an ultimatum. Do you think this was the right thing to do? My girlfriends say I did they right thing, what do you think.?
“I chose you baby and I’ll tell you why…” This is a verse from that amazing soul classic created by the late Willie Hutch back in 1973. Mr. Hutch also gave us “Brothers Gonna Work It Out” which is still a Chicago Deep House classic. This melodic ode to a man captivated by that certain women set to music embodies the angst and joy, the struggle and victory of the supreme love affair. Never mind the song was the critical aural soliloquy from The Mack, never mind the song really was about a pimp wooing a young lady into being apart of his “hoe stable”….love is love dammit! To be chosen is to be selected by an individual free of any and all emotional and mental bribery, assumptions and ultimatums. This is the main and most important ingredient for a successful union…but unfortunately it is the most under appreciated.
In my opinion I really don’t think most women know and truly understand what it really means to be chosen by a man and the few that do ain’t sharing the knowledge. Here some clues… (1) If you’ve beat the dude over the head with that “when I’mma get my ring” drama for the last year a so and he comes through on your birthday with the hardware…you didn’t get chose (2) If you come up pregnant and y’all got to make a mad dash to the altar before you start showing…you didn’t get chose. (3) If you gave dude until St. Patrick’s Day of 2007 to sh*t or get off the pot and as a result you get a little box on the exact day…guess what…you didn’t get chose. In these scenarios dude didn’t choose you he just simply accepted his situation. This is not always a bad thing…some cats may need a little push to make the decision but it’s what happens after that which will decide if the union will be successful or not.
Anything short of “dude was inspired by you enough to feel that he can build a life with you and made that decision based on his own free will and love for you” means y’all got some real work to do. Anything other than this scenario means y’all coming into the game with glaring defects that must be addressed. The hindrance to this is that most women have the “knight in shining armor” complex which puts a choke hold on reality. I mean…when women who get to the altar based on ultimatums or because they are expecting or any other arbitrary scenario are confronted by there gal pals on the how’s and why’s they never say “well, I told dude he had until such and such date and viola!”….nah, they ain’t never that truthful…instead they’ll keep it real short and leave out all the actual and grimy truth. But you know, sometimes unions such as this are more successful than the traditional ones. Struggle brings folk together and unbreakable bonds are formed as a result whereas couples who seem to slide into matrimony so effortlessly are usually the ones that take it for granted and don’t fight as hard to make the union successful.
The reality is it doesn’t really matter how you got to the altar…if you had to beat dude over the head, issue an ultimatum or bear chirrun…what matters is the struggle after and whether or not you can grapple and except the fact that you may never know if he would have chosen you on his own free will without all the extenuating circumstances or not. Whether your journey was traditional or not you will be faced with the same challenges, obstacles, jealousy, envy, struggle, joy, victory, set backs, tears and smiles that every one else goes through to survive the battle of love and honor.
Filed under: Life, Marriage, Relationships
Well said, MP!
I learned the hard way. If you know marriage is what you ultimately want then you should voice that to the man you’re dating from the onset of the relationship. Let him know you’re not trying to be his girlfriend forever and a day. You should give yourself a timeframe as to when “you” think the relationship should elevate to the next level and if it hasn’t then you should break things off with him (if you have the courage). Why? Because the longer you date a man without a commitment (marriage b/c being the girlfriend isn’t enuff) then what’ll happen is that you’ll get so emotionally tied up that you can’t walk away. At this point the relationship will be on his terms and his time frame (when he decides). Unfortunately, you will be stuck like chuck waiting, hoping and wishing. This is the worst position to be in therefore a woman that wants to get married should “never” date a man for three years without a commitment. After one year, if he hasn’t made a decision you need to understand that you’re just a friend with benefits (perhaps) and can either bow out gracefully and open yourself up to date others (if you have the courage). Otherwise, you will just keep on hoping, wishing and praying but a woman that knows her worth will leave the brutha in the dust and keep it moving. I’m sorry, but letting a brutha waste your time while he decides if you’re worth being his forever is not smart. It doesn’t take 3-4 years to know. You decide your worth. It’s best to kick them to the curb very early in the game before your emotions get all tied up.
“In my opinion I really don’t think most women know and truly understand what it really means to be chosen by a man and the few that do ain’t sharing the knowledge”
Let me drop some knowledge about the latter part of this quote….I have several close friends that are married only b/c they stuck around for oh I’d say, 5 to 10 years before the dude “decided” to marry them. And during that time of waiting they were putting up with all sorts of BS from him because the relationship was on his terms and they were too emotionally tied up to leave. Now I’m sorry but I wouldn’t necessarily equate this to ” being chosen by a man” as you describe. I equate this to not knowing your worth and plain ole settling. The current state of all my firends marriages is that they’re still settling and putting up with the same bs they dealt with while dating. Basically, when a man decides to marry the woman he loves it’s usually done very early in the relationship because he just knows she’s the one. He can’t imagine his life without her. He doesn’t have to date her for 5 - 10 years and put her through all sort of hell and drama to see if she’s worthy! When a man takes that long to decide he’s usually looking for something better!
alisha9 - Thanks Lady!
tmichelle - I agree with you wholeheartedly….I dated my wife for less then a year before I “chose” her but that’s only because I was in a place in my life were I was tired of the random ass and wanted something more. When your with a brotha you have to first figure what stage of the “game” he’s at. If he’s still on trick off mode it’s best you kick rocks. But what if the dude has all the qualities you desire but he just ain’t ready to take that leap? Wouldn’t be best to old on a little longer? I think bouncing too quick maybe even more detrimental.
MadP - I guess it would but dang, it’s hard being patient which is the BEAST a woman has to wrestle with especially if she’s in her mid 30’s. Yeah, that clock be ticking louder than a mutha LOL! But of course you’re right, it’s better when you’re chosen rather than manipulation, threats etc. But can yall speed it up just a tad bit???? I’m just saying….
“When your with a brotha you have to first figure what stage of the “game” he’s at. If he’s still on trick off mode it’s best you kick rocks.”
Now that’s some wisdom for yo azz!
I’m late posting here, but I couldn’t agree with what’s written here more!! My husband and I met in mid January 2007 and were married in early June 2007 ! Yep, that’s five and a half months and we are now happily going into our 2nd year of marriage. On the flip side of this I dated the same guy on/off for 8 years and we were engaged, but never married. My husband always laughs and says…THANK GOODNESS!!! If I’d married my ex I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d be doing. I have some clue though…divorced with a huge payment, at least one child, and bitter as heck in my BIG house!
My husband definitely picked me and I say this because I was 31. He was 37 when we met and had been alone for 5 years. It’s a wonderful feeling for a woman to know that your husband knew he loved and wanted to marry you (without having slept or lived with him) first too. Our marriage is a source of pride and joy on both sides of our family because of this fact. I say if after a couple of years of dating a couple isn’t married…women need to move on and cut their losses! Life is too short for BS and drama! My mother has a saying “If one won’t then another one will!”
Chel - You’d be surprised at the amount of folks this post passed right over. Most of the comments I got were just indulging in the blame game…..I wanted to let women know what it really means for a man to really want you.