What’s the hurry?…
Everything in life has a certain balance, a natural path or course if you will. Something’s just can’t be tampered with or hurried along…it could lead to destruction or late nights pacing. Such is true with relationships…you have to allow it to breathe and mature like a fine bottle of Old English 800 or Coqui 900 or a 1999 Boone’s Farm. Trying to rush it or push it along only leads to mass confusion and shattered expectations. Everyone needs to have the opportunity to explore, date …hell, even be a hoe, so that when they get to a point in their lives when they seek something more meaningful they won’t feel like they missed out on something. Trust…I know dudes how had one girlfriend since high school and never had the opportunity to “explore” and that shit was killin’ em’ years later even after they had been married. Get that shit out before you jump a broom, dustpan or whatever the hell else they do these days…it’ll save you some stress. Basically, what I’m saying is that there are stages that need to be fulfilled until we can proceed.
You can’t just take a flying leap to husband & wife -hood until you’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend first. You might be a shitty boyfriend which will probably mean you will be a …guess what…a shitty husband. You have to take the time to learn the nuisances of “togetherness” before you can make the ultimate commitment. Argue, fight, breakup, get back together, late night phone calls, meet the parents, breakup again, get back together again, do some freaky shit, meet her friends, meet his friends, burn the dinner, etc….this is the shit that happens when your in the boyfriend & girlfriend stage. You have an opportunity to make mistakes, find out each others dreams and aspirations, if she likes doggy style or plain ol’ missionary. Notice I didn’t say share an apartment or buy some property or a vehicle…this is some way down the road shit…this is the marriage zone. You can’t pass “GO” until you’ve successfully completed the previous stage. It’s just like getting a drivers license…you don’t get your permit and proceed directly to the dealership…we gotsta make sure you ain’t gon’ cripple nobody. So you have to go to range, take the test and then you still ain’t ready but the state says its okay to drive down my block bumping that bullshit out the trunk of your mommas’ car.
And this whole “why buy the cow” bullshit is just that…bullshit. That’s something old ladies in church tell younger women to make them feel cheap…ladies, don’t buy it, tell them old birds to beat it. That is one the most overused misconceptions that women throw around to try to put pressure on their live in boyfriends….that shit don’t never work. There are no perks for men living with a women before marriage…and I mean none. I lived with my wife for two years before we got married and a year of that was spent planning the nuptials and I can say the only thing that has changed is our address. Dudes are going to get hassled and ass, money, etc…are still going to be key points that strike up arguments whether I’m your husband or boyfriend…the treatment is the same. I could say that this would be a fitting concept only if you were allowing dude to come get the ass and be out no questions asked but that would too much be like heaven…in other words that ain’t happenin’.
So ladies, ain’t nothing wrong with making a brother earn your heart…hell, where do you think the respect comes from? If he ain’t earn it he ain’t respectin’ it …pure and simple. Don’t let those lonely nights or your overuse of that “special friend” you keep in that night stand drawer push you into making a commitment to someone you ain’t really ready to make. It’s alright to let him come over, beat it up and send him to HIS dwelling. Dudes, why the fuck would you want to cut your pimping time short by wanting to play house? Why would you volunteer to hear shit like “where you going?”, “you better bring my car back”, “who is that on the phone?” before you really have to? That shit just don’t make sense to me. I never want to be seen as the dude who’s just taking advantage of a situation….while you’re chillin’ in front of the TV your girl’s bird friends is putting her on the spot about YOUR intentions. Granted, it ain’t none of their business but why not make it easy on her…you know how petty woman can be. In other words either shit or get off the pot and let the next man get a stab at it. Ladies, if you want roses then stop settling for daisies…it’s just common sense. Don’t blur the lines by giving you boyfriend husband status before he really is your husband. I may pay a bill or two but I ain’t fucking helping you pay YOUR mortgage…that’s husband shit. I may give you some paper to get your hair and nails done but I ain’t replacing the stove that just went out at YOUR spot…once again, husband shit. And stop cosigning shit for these dudes…what is that all about?…that’s wife shit… Once you understand the difference the better shit will be. If you expose too much of yourself then there’s nothing to look foreword to down the road. When I lived in Nashville I had a problem with a young lady who just decided to make my spot her spot without proper notification. Up in my bathroom using up all the fucking toilet paper, using my razors to shave her coochie and then put the shit back like I’m going to shave my face with that?!?!. Eating up all the hog maws, all the chittlin’s, all the cornbread…hey, I may want some hog maws, some chittlin’s, some cornbread that’s in MY fridge. At the time I wasn’t ready to share that much of me and it showed. I had to damn near “lay hands on her” to get her to vacate the premises but I blame myself. I liked the feeling of having something warm right next to me….no more booty calls or trying to sweat a chick at the bar…it was right at home for the taking. But I wasn’t ready for the repercussions that followed, the questions, the suffocation. The good thing is that it’s never too late…if your tired of dude using up all your Bath & Body shit then tell him you need some space and he gotsta to ride out. If he loves you and sees you as an important part of his life then it shouldn’t be a problem. I mean, ain’t you worth it?
Hog maws and chittlin’s? You are CRAZY!
Seriously, you’re right, there is nothing wrong with making a man earn your heart, but as women we have to first love ourselves and verbally express what it is that we will and will not stand for. We must teach our daughters at an early age to know their worth, so that when the time comes they could choose that someone who bests fits thier needs and goals in life.
Erica – I agree mos def! I don’t think women truly understand the power they have to shape or mis-shape a relationship. Men are eager to do whatever is needed to win your heart so make sure you give him the right info.
Once again … a job well done. I hate to sound like a broken record but I do wish that SOME women would re-evaluate the way they go about pursuing relationships. Again, I said SOME. Not all, not most … SOME.
Rushing a relationship is bad business from jump, but it’s really bad when you’re trying to rush a man. I think men are naturally averse to commitment, so rushing isn’t the way to go with us. Show us you’re down and let us make a move. It’s cool to ask, ‘What’s up?’ if it doesn’t seem that things are going anywhere, but past that … fall back.
Hog maws and chittlin’s – sounds a bit like Friday!!!
U joker!
Totally right though – i let myself fall into the trap of playing wifey and i got sick of it – i am young and will have a good time.
xXx
Lord Han – Thanks Bro!
Young1 – Thanks for the luv!
I must admit, I have fallen into the bootleg “wifey” spot and it aint all that glamorous. If I could turn back time… However, I disagree with you on one part, I do wish that I would have listened to the old Ladies at the church. I feel they are right. Why do all this stuff to get this man, and he is still in his I am playing the field stage. This only leads to mistrust and baggage in one’s next relationship. If there is a next time, I am going to try to keep my goodies to myself until he shows me he is ready… easy said
Cutter -Maybe…I can see your point. Those old ladies may espouse some warranted wisdom but some are just old fools. If dude is in the “playing the field stage” then that’s where the balance comes in to play. You have to match what he’s giving…that way you won’t feel like your actions are being under – appreciated or not being reciprocated. If dude is not doing anything to facilitate the relationship (dates, movies, dinner, flowers, etc…) then don’t reward him by taking him the Earth, Wind & Fire concert…that’s just sending the wrong message.
MadPoetic – I had to read this blog 3 times and I get it, finally. I hate to say it but you’re absolutely right. For women it’s so hard to not put the cart before the horse and just roll with man but I understand the importants of just chilling (now I do, before I didn’t). I think it comes down to trust meaning, you have to trust that if it’s meant 4 you to have him then it will happen naturally. My boo is teaching me to sit my azz down somewhere and not be so anxious. Although it’s fustrating but it’s necessary because we are learning more and more about each other and its good. I think the pressure from bird friends and society makes us women CRAZY! But I’m good, not pressed, just walking with my man, not ahead of him or behind him. When he moves I move just like that!
tmichelle – LOL!!! 3 times! Well, I’m glad that it started to make a little sense to you…now you can help me! Seriously, I’ve seen women do it all the time and it’s frustrating to men as well. I remember hanging out with a young lady back in the day….we had one long conversation and the next day she was claiming me as her man…WTF?! Slow your roll and let things develope on their own. You pulling the scab is just going to make it worse.
I appreciate hearing you say, “match what dude is giving”. That makes a lot of sense. By “matching the dude” you never have to worry about being taken advantage of. . . I always knew to do that, but I’ve never articulated it. Cool.
Alisha9 – Thanks Boo! It’s a real simple concept and it can ease a lot of pressure and anxiety. Men are supposed to come with it…try their best to earn a place with you. Women are supposed to do enough to peak his interest and to keep him coming back. Sometimes women, in their haste have flip the roles and when they feel that they want to be “chased” dude has no motivation to do so because he’s already getting everyhting from the go.